It's been a year, since I first came here to vent. Now it's time to really make a difference

It has been a long year with so many changes. With 3 moves, a major health issue, 2 new children & as always financial worries. But, what is different is how I deal with them. I used to worry night & day, lose sleep, make myself sick & now I very seldom get anxious like I use to.

The difference has been my belief that God does not give you more then you can handle & when you take a step back & see that the world is not ending, dying or falling apart before your feet you can sit back amidst all the chaos & confusion & just breath. No matter how heavy your plate may feel, it is nothing compared to the suffering of the world. We all worry so much about such pointless & meaningless things that we forget how many others live, we have so much & others so little. As long as you have what God thinks you need then you are ok, no not ok but, truly blessed.

No matter how angry, anxious or uptight you maybe God has a plan & a future for you!

In my case it is learning to stop trying to change my husband & focus on what & how i will turn this constant hurt into something that will be able to uplift & empower others.

An Outsider In My Own Family

Have you ever felt like the people around you would be far better off if you we're not in there daily lives???

Recently I just got on a GreyHound bus & went to my dad's 15 hrs away I was gone for 3 weeks.

Since I did not leave on good terms, I had no idea what was in store for me in the near or distant future. Or where I stood in  my feeling towards leaving, my husband, my family.

After 3 weeks living with my dad & my brother & there many girlfriends who came & went with the sun. Literally. I thought it was time to go home not being any further ahead then I was when I left but, instead feeling like I needed to be back where I understood the way of life. So after a 15 hr ride home my husband & children met me at the bus station. It was great to see the kids but, it was awkward seeing my husband because I have as of yet figured out what to do, where to go ect....

We are going on day 3 of me being home & it appears that. The house, the children, finances & my husband have done better with out me being present.

I started feeling this way when I noticed that my husband purchased new underwear & pajama pants. I have been asking him to do this for years & have even done it for him only, to have him complain about it.

When i asked him about these purchases he said that "men want to be leaders in there homes not mothered" & of course that is just one of the things that got me thinking of how much better off my family seemed without me present.

I know that I have a part in this family & that my children are better off with both parents present.

My question is: If my families life is better off when I am not present should I stay? For my own selfish reasons or leave & let them pursue a better way of life?

They all seem to be so happy, about the way things are.

I know that I am suppose to embrace & adapt to these new changes & I am trying but, these changes don't seem to include me or have any room for me to participate. My family seems to have it under control. When I try to include myself in any of the daily activities they all tell me it's ok. They don't need my help.

At first I thought there we're mad, upset anything with me but, they really are ok. They really do ALL have it under control.

I know it's wrong to feel this way, I can't see to help it!

Happy New Year

I started off the New Year with a kiss at 12:00am while my husband paused his Wii game, then of course I went on Facebook to wish my dearest friends a Happy New Year. When I came to my best friends profile I noticed that she had changed her picture, which peaked my curiosity because she has had the same picture for over a year. When I opened the picture what I found astonishing was that she looks AMAZING. Don't get me wrong to me she always looked good but, now she looks amazing she has dropped at least 3 sizes & looks younger & healthier.

I am happy for her but, I also found myself kinda bitter because she has changed so much in the last year. I feel like I am in the same place as I was when I left Ontario I have changed in mind & spirit but, body. Yikes, it needs a lot of work. I suddenly fell nervous about my friends visit in March. I know she loves me for me but, I can't help but feel this way. I have a lot of work to do before then & hope that this will be the motivation I need to become a healthier me.

I know not much of a subject. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Happy New Year 2011

Unexpected

I have to admit I came here with the thought that I would find Blogging about cars, crafts ect.... But what I have found instead is a faith in Christ. A faith among the everyday.


This blogging thing is new to me. I needed an outlet & this is where God had directed me. It has been an amazing experience to read all these blogs from seemingly ordinary people. When I came to realize that they are not ordinary, they indeed are extraordinarily.


I have found blog after blog about daily struggles & how Christ has been working in these people lives & has touched my life in a way I cannot yet understand. 


One blogger Simplicity  has had a profound impact of how I see my life at present, Her journey through the desert opened my eyes to the realities I currently face. In the end I know I will be ok & long as I have Faith.


Thank you to all you Bloggers who are no afraid to write about your, adversities & your faith. 

"Sometimes it is good to fall apart. Let it all unravel…. When everything is undone then only the true part of you remains, you are all that is left. The rest is floating in that river of your tears and you can smile as you walk away never looking back."

Baelyn

Depressed or Lazy???

I do not know if I am depressed or lazy. I find myself retreating to my bed at any sign of confrontation or negative energy within my marriage, I have changed so much over the last few months that my husband can't seem to keep up or should I say want to accept the differences in me.

What has changed is my relationship with God, & the way I want to live my life. I can't seem to get it through to my husband that I cannot handle the stress of his smart ass comments or his attacks, when he says things like are you going to be there all day? Or  he say's things like it's always the same thing from you "why should I expect anything else".

I find that in the last few months I am no longer willing to accept living like someone else wants me to live. I find myself wanting nothing more then a sense of calm, clarity & oneness within myself & my family. I am searching for us all to be on the same page. My children have noticed a change in me & have been doing there best to help us get there, together. It is amazing that 3 little angels can see what is happening within me but, a grown man refuses to acknowledge what is right in from of his eyes.

So in your opinion would you say I am Lazy, Depressed or maybe just fed up???